My World

Inspite of feeling frustrated of a resent situation today was a pretty good day. I still have a heavy heart about loosing a very special person but there is nothing i can do about it. She thinks I was just sitting there listening to her husband talk crap about her but I didn't. If she was being a good friend she would trust me. I've never given her a reason to not trust me ugh!!! Sometimes innocent people get caught in the cross fire. Don't get me wrong I completely understand how hurt she was it would have broke my heart too. I didn't put myself in her shoes because I flat out didn't think to. I was busy filling my own. I had a frustrating day and was doing something I enjoyed at the end of it. I was concentrate on my own feelings. What about her putting herself in my shoes? maybe my situation wasn't as chaotic as hers but she wasn't in my home while her hubby was talking. She didn't see the times I would take my headset off my head cuz all of the commotion from 24men bickering and calling each other names. Or when I would have to get up and put my babies back to bed, or how my headset kept cutting out so I couldn't hear the lobby. But enough with that, it is what it is and I don't have the means to fix it. A friend suggested to invite her to play but its not going to work. I deleted my Xbox friends, I'm 30 year old woman playing Xbox games.... pretty pathetic. I do have to thank her though since the accusation I've been super happy without electronics. I get on here once in a while but the most times I go to bed bored.LoL it was great timing because our friends from California came to visit and being around my friend Rebekah reminds me what genuine, pureness is all about. She is so peaceful, calm, fun she reminds me of sunshine! Same with her husband, I love how they deal with offset things. They are just so accepting of any situation. They are true examples of what a good person is. They are spontaneous too, they love everything in life 😃 they are my example.

Well, it is a new year that has started off really well for me. Except for the depression. I had an awesome night with my sweetie talking about making goals and how to become a better person and friend. I have always lacked in being a good friend because I'm the type of person that takes flight before a fight. I have no backbone, I have never been able to stand up for people or myself. I'm a pretty confident person when I'm alone.lol. It bothers me when people tell me to be myself, stop being a people pleaser, its like they don't know that its hard to be myself when I don't know who I am. Its easy being happy when your a people pleaser because it makes me happy to make them happy. The down fall is when its time to do things that make u happy it makes others mad and causes me anxiety. I'm the type of person that feels guilty when I'm not, I apologize even if its not my fault just to keep peace. I don't debate at all. Don't get me wrong I don't think its always someone else fault when things happen I'm at fault too. Its stressful juggling everything from being a mother, an individual, friend, daughter, wife. I'm trying to let my husband experience what he wants to experience without compromising what ever integrity I have left. What is Integrity anyways. Something I guess I don't have. I feel like I'm in an episode of gossip girl. I've looked up what the qualities of a good person are and wow lets just say I'm way off base. It shouldn't suprise me cause I've known for a while that I'm a poisoness person. I don't know if its the depression speaking but I just don't want anything to do with the outside world because I don't know how to handle chaos. Well, once a Month I'm going to improve on one of theses characteristics. Its going to be hard because people aren't going to let me let my past go but all I can do is trudge on through. 100+ Character Qualities 1. ACCOUNTABILITY: Being answerable to God and at least one other person for my behavior. 2.ALERTNESS: Being keenly aware of the events taking place around me so that I can have the right responses to them. 3.AMENDS (Repentance): Humbly acknowledging how you have fallen short of God's standard and seeking His forgiveness to make things right. ATTENTIVENESS: Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration and effort. AUTHENTICITY: Being exactly who you claim to be with honesty and transparency. AVAILABILITY: Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve. BENEVOLENCE: Giving to others’ basic needs without expectations of personal reward. BOLDNESS: Demonstrating the confidence and courage that doing what is right will bring ultimate victory regardless of present opposition. BONDING: Connecting with one another in an authentic way, avoiding unhealthy isolation. BOUNDARIES: Creating a "safe place" or limitations that protect me from potentially unmanageable temptation. BREADTH: Having depth and broadness, in words and deeds, within the heart and mind. BROTHERLINESS: Exhibiting a kinship and disposition to render help because of a relationship. CANDOR: Speaking the truth at the time when the truth should be spoken. CAUTION: Knowing to be alert in a hazardous or dangerous situation. CHEERFUL: Expressing encouragement, approval or congratulations at the proper time. CHIVALRY: Protecting the weak, the suffering and the neglected by maintaining justice and rightness. COMMITMENT: Devoting myself to following up on my words (promises, pledges or vows) with action. COMPASSION: Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others by the willingness to bear their pain. CONFIDENCE: Placing full trust and belief in the reliability of a person or thing. CONSISTENCY: Following constantly the same principles, course or form in all circumstances; holding together. CONTENTMENT: Accepting myself as God created me with my gifts, talents, abilities and opportunities. COURAGE: Fulfilling my responsibilities and standing up for convictions in spite of being afraid. CREATIVITY: Approaching a need, a task or an idea from a new perspective. DECISIVENESS: Learning to finalize difficult decisions on the basis of what is right, not on what's popular or tempting. DEFERENCE: Limiting my freedom to speak and act in order to not offend the tastes of others. DEPENDABILITY: Fulfilling what I consented to do even if it means unexpected sacrifice. DETERMINATION: Working intently to accomplish goals regardless of the opposition. DILIGENCE: Visualizing each task as a special assignment and using all my energies to accomplish it. DISCERNMENT: Seeking to use intuitive ability to judge situations and people; understanding why things happen to me and others. DISCIPLINE: Receiving instruction and correction in a positive way; maintaining and enforcing proper conduct in accordance with the guidelines and rules. DISCRETION: Recognizing and avoiding words, actions and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences. ENDURANCE: Exercising inward strength to withstand stress and do my best in managing what occurs in my life. ENTHUSIASM: Expressing lively, absorbing interest in each task as I give it my best effort. FAIRNESS (EQUITY): Looking at a decision from the viewpoint of each person involved. FAITH: Developing an unshakable confidence in God and acting upon it. FAITHFULNESS: Being thorough in the performance of my duties; being true to my words, promises and vows. FEAR OF THE LORD: Having a sense of awe and respect for Almighty God which goes above and beyond anyone or anything else. FIRMNESS: Exerting a tenacity of will with strength and resoluteness. A willingness to run counter to the traditions and fashions of the world. FLEXIBILITY: Learning how to cheerfully change plans when unexpected conditions require it. FORGIVENESS: Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding their past offenses against them. FRIENDSHIP: Coming alongside another person for mutual support and encouragement. GENEROSITY: Realizing that all I have (time, talents and treasures) belongs to God and freely giving to benefit others. GENTLENESS: Learning to respond to needs with kindness, personal care and love. GLADNESS: Abounding in joy, jubilation and cheerfulness. GOAL-ORIENTED: Achieving maximum results toward the area where my effort is directed. GOODNESS: Having moral excellence and a virtuous lifestyle; a general quality of proper conduct. GRATEFULNESS: Making known to others by my words and actions how they have benefited my life. GREATNESS: Demonstrating an extraordinary capacity for achievement. HOLINESS: Being whole with no blemish or stain. HONESTY: Proclaiming the truth with sincerity and frankness in all situations. HONOR: Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent. HOPE: Feeling that my deepest desire will be realized and that events will turn out for the best. HOSPITALITY: Sharing cheerfully food, shelter and life with those with whom I come in contact. HUMILITY: Seeing the contrast between what is perfect and my inability to achieve that perfection. INDIGNATION: Channeling the driving passion of righteous anger without sinning. INITIATIVE: Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it. INTEGRITY: Being whole and complete in moral and ethical principles. JOYFULNESS: Choosing to be pleasant regardless of outside circumstances, which ultimately lifts the spirits of others. JUSTICE: Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right and true. KINDNESS: Demonstrating a gentle, sympathetic attitude towards others. <> KNOWLEDGE: Becoming acquainted with facts, truths or principles through study and investigation. LEADERSHIP: Guiding others toward a positive conclusion. LOVE: Having a deep personal attachment and affection for another person. LOYALTY: Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to others or to what is right. MEEKNESS: Yielding my power, personal rights and expectations humbly with a desire to serve. NARROWNESS: Staying within established boundaries and limits. NURTURE: Caring for the physical, mental and spiritual needs of others. OBEDIENCE: Fulfilling instructions so that the one I am serving will be fully satisfied and pleased. OPTIMISM: Confident, hopeful and never doubtful. ORDERLINESS: Learning to organize and care for personal possessions to achieve greater efficiency. ORIGINALITY: Creating “new” thinking, ideas and expanding truths from an independent viewpoint. PASSIONATE: Having an intense, powerful or compelling emotion and feelings towards others or something. PATIENCE: Accepting difficult situations and without demanding a deadline to remove it. PEACEFUL: Being at rest with myself and others. PERSEVERANCE: A continuing effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure and opposition. PERSUASIVENESS: Guiding another’s mental roadblocks by using words which cause the listener’s spirit to confirm the spoken truth. POISE: Being totally balanced in mind, body and spirit. PRAYERFUL: Communing with God spiritually through adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication. PROSPERITY: Flourishing or being successful, especially pertaining to financial issues. PRUDENCE: Exhibiting caution, humbleness and wisdom in regards to practical matters. PUNCTUALITY: Showing respect for other people by respectfully using the limited time they have. PURE SPEECH: Speaking words that are clean, spotless and without blemish. PURITY: Freeing yourself from anything that contaminates or adulterates. PURPOSEFUL: Exercising determination to stay on track until the goal is achieved. REASONABLENESS: Having a sound mind by being level headed, sane and demonstrating common sense. RENEWAL: Restoration of strength through recovery and replenishment. RESOURCEFULNESS: Using wisely that which others would normally overlook or discard. RESTORATION: Getting a fresh start, or new beginning. RESPECT: Honoring and esteeming another person due to deep admiration. RESPONSIBILITY: Knowing and doing what is expected from me. REVERENCE: Giving honor where it is due and respecting the possessions and property of others. RIGHTEOUSNESS: Acting in a moral and upright way that honors God, regardless of who is watching. SECURITY: Structuring my life around what is eternal and cannot be destroyed or taken away. SELF-CONTROL: Bringing my thoughts, words, actions and attitudes into constant obedience in order to benefit others. SENSITIVITY: Being aware and attentive to the true attitudes and emotional needs of those around me. SERVANTHOOD: Caring for and meeting the needs of others before caring for myself. SINCERITY: Endeavoring to do what is right, without ulterior motives. STEWARDSHIP: Administering and managing personal and financial affairs effectively. STRENGTH: Having power, force and vigor for the task assigned. SURRENDER: Yielding to the authority, guidance and direction of God in my life. TEACHABILITY: Demonstrating a willingness to learn or be trained without any reservations or hindrances. THANKFULNESS: Expressing deep gratitude and appreciation to people and to God. THOROUGHNESS: Executing something perfectly with the realization that each of my tasks will be reviewed. THOUGHTFULNESS: Showing consideration for others through acts of kindness and/or words. THRIFTINESS: Preventing myself or others from spending money unnecessarily. TOLERANCE: Learning to accept others as valuable individuals regardless of their maturity. TRANSPARENCY: Allowing others to shine a light on my life for the purpose of being accountable. TRUTHFULNESS: Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts. TRUST or TRUSTWORTHY: Believing completely and totally in someone or something. UNDERSTANDING: Exhibiting strong intelligence and a sound mind in comprehending and discerning matters. UNSTOPPABLE: The freedom to perform at your highest level without any restraints. VIRTUE: Building personal moral standards which will cause others to desire a greater moral life. VISIONARY: Dreaming not inhibited by the unknown. Looking beyond problems by creating successful solutions. VULNERABILITY: Being open to receive constructive criticism and guidance. WISDOM: Learning to see and respond correctly to life situations with keen judgment; the application of knowledge. WORSHIP: Honoring God reverently.