up and at um......

Well, it is a new year that has started off really well for me. Except for the depression. I had an awesome night with my sweetie talking about making goals and how to become a better person and friend. I have always lacked in being a good friend because I'm the type of person that takes flight before a fight. I have no backbone, I have never been able to stand up for people or myself. I'm a pretty confident person when I'm alone.lol. It bothers me when people tell me to be myself, stop being a people pleaser, its like they don't know that its hard to be myself when I don't know who I am. Its easy being happy when your a people pleaser because it makes me happy to make them happy. The down fall is when its time to do things that make u happy it makes others mad and causes me anxiety. I'm the type of person that feels guilty when I'm not, I apologize even if its not my fault just to keep peace. I don't debate at all. Don't get me wrong I don't think its always someone else fault when things happen I'm at fault too. Its stressful juggling everything from being a mother, an individual, friend, daughter, wife. I'm trying to let my husband experience what he wants to experience without compromising what ever integrity I have left. What is Integrity anyways. Something I guess I don't have. I feel like I'm in an episode of gossip girl. I've looked up what the qualities of a good person are and wow lets just say I'm way off base. It shouldn't suprise me cause I've known for a while that I'm a poisoness person. I don't know if its the depression speaking but I just don't want anything to do with the outside world because I don't know how to handle chaos. Well, once a Month I'm going to improve on one of theses characteristics. Its going to be hard because people aren't going to let me let my past go but all I can do is trudge on through. 100+ Character Qualities 1. ACCOUNTABILITY: Being answerable to God and at least one other person for my behavior. 2.ALERTNESS: Being keenly aware of the events taking place around me so that I can have the right responses to them. 3.AMENDS (Repentance): Humbly acknowledging how you have fallen short of God's standard and seeking His forgiveness to make things right. ATTENTIVENESS: Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration and effort. AUTHENTICITY: Being exactly who you claim to be with honesty and transparency. AVAILABILITY: Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve. BENEVOLENCE: Giving to others’ basic needs without expectations of personal reward. BOLDNESS: Demonstrating the confidence and courage that doing what is right will bring ultimate victory regardless of present opposition. BONDING: Connecting with one another in an authentic way, avoiding unhealthy isolation. BOUNDARIES: Creating a "safe place" or limitations that protect me from potentially unmanageable temptation. BREADTH: Having depth and broadness, in words and deeds, within the heart and mind. BROTHERLINESS: Exhibiting a kinship and disposition to render help because of a relationship. CANDOR: Speaking the truth at the time when the truth should be spoken. CAUTION: Knowing to be alert in a hazardous or dangerous situation. CHEERFUL: Expressing encouragement, approval or congratulations at the proper time. CHIVALRY: Protecting the weak, the suffering and the neglected by maintaining justice and rightness. COMMITMENT: Devoting myself to following up on my words (promises, pledges or vows) with action. COMPASSION: Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others by the willingness to bear their pain. CONFIDENCE: Placing full trust and belief in the reliability of a person or thing. CONSISTENCY: Following constantly the same principles, course or form in all circumstances; holding together. CONTENTMENT: Accepting myself as God created me with my gifts, talents, abilities and opportunities. COURAGE: Fulfilling my responsibilities and standing up for convictions in spite of being afraid. CREATIVITY: Approaching a need, a task or an idea from a new perspective. DECISIVENESS: Learning to finalize difficult decisions on the basis of what is right, not on what's popular or tempting. DEFERENCE: Limiting my freedom to speak and act in order to not offend the tastes of others. DEPENDABILITY: Fulfilling what I consented to do even if it means unexpected sacrifice. DETERMINATION: Working intently to accomplish goals regardless of the opposition. DILIGENCE: Visualizing each task as a special assignment and using all my energies to accomplish it. DISCERNMENT: Seeking to use intuitive ability to judge situations and people; understanding why things happen to me and others. DISCIPLINE: Receiving instruction and correction in a positive way; maintaining and enforcing proper conduct in accordance with the guidelines and rules. DISCRETION: Recognizing and avoiding words, actions and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences. ENDURANCE: Exercising inward strength to withstand stress and do my best in managing what occurs in my life. ENTHUSIASM: Expressing lively, absorbing interest in each task as I give it my best effort. FAIRNESS (EQUITY): Looking at a decision from the viewpoint of each person involved. FAITH: Developing an unshakable confidence in God and acting upon it. FAITHFULNESS: Being thorough in the performance of my duties; being true to my words, promises and vows. FEAR OF THE LORD: Having a sense of awe and respect for Almighty God which goes above and beyond anyone or anything else. FIRMNESS: Exerting a tenacity of will with strength and resoluteness. A willingness to run counter to the traditions and fashions of the world. FLEXIBILITY: Learning how to cheerfully change plans when unexpected conditions require it. FORGIVENESS: Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding their past offenses against them. FRIENDSHIP: Coming alongside another person for mutual support and encouragement. GENEROSITY: Realizing that all I have (time, talents and treasures) belongs to God and freely giving to benefit others. GENTLENESS: Learning to respond to needs with kindness, personal care and love. GLADNESS: Abounding in joy, jubilation and cheerfulness. GOAL-ORIENTED: Achieving maximum results toward the area where my effort is directed. GOODNESS: Having moral excellence and a virtuous lifestyle; a general quality of proper conduct. GRATEFULNESS: Making known to others by my words and actions how they have benefited my life. GREATNESS: Demonstrating an extraordinary capacity for achievement. HOLINESS: Being whole with no blemish or stain. HONESTY: Proclaiming the truth with sincerity and frankness in all situations. HONOR: Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent. HOPE: Feeling that my deepest desire will be realized and that events will turn out for the best. HOSPITALITY: Sharing cheerfully food, shelter and life with those with whom I come in contact. HUMILITY: Seeing the contrast between what is perfect and my inability to achieve that perfection. INDIGNATION: Channeling the driving passion of righteous anger without sinning. INITIATIVE: Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it. INTEGRITY: Being whole and complete in moral and ethical principles. JOYFULNESS: Choosing to be pleasant regardless of outside circumstances, which ultimately lifts the spirits of others. JUSTICE: Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right and true. KINDNESS: Demonstrating a gentle, sympathetic attitude towards others. <> KNOWLEDGE: Becoming acquainted with facts, truths or principles through study and investigation. LEADERSHIP: Guiding others toward a positive conclusion. LOVE: Having a deep personal attachment and affection for another person. LOYALTY: Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to others or to what is right. MEEKNESS: Yielding my power, personal rights and expectations humbly with a desire to serve. NARROWNESS: Staying within established boundaries and limits. NURTURE: Caring for the physical, mental and spiritual needs of others. OBEDIENCE: Fulfilling instructions so that the one I am serving will be fully satisfied and pleased. OPTIMISM: Confident, hopeful and never doubtful. ORDERLINESS: Learning to organize and care for personal possessions to achieve greater efficiency. ORIGINALITY: Creating “new” thinking, ideas and expanding truths from an independent viewpoint. PASSIONATE: Having an intense, powerful or compelling emotion and feelings towards others or something. PATIENCE: Accepting difficult situations and without demanding a deadline to remove it. PEACEFUL: Being at rest with myself and others. PERSEVERANCE: A continuing effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure and opposition. PERSUASIVENESS: Guiding another’s mental roadblocks by using words which cause the listener’s spirit to confirm the spoken truth. POISE: Being totally balanced in mind, body and spirit. PRAYERFUL: Communing with God spiritually through adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication. PROSPERITY: Flourishing or being successful, especially pertaining to financial issues. PRUDENCE: Exhibiting caution, humbleness and wisdom in regards to practical matters. PUNCTUALITY: Showing respect for other people by respectfully using the limited time they have. PURE SPEECH: Speaking words that are clean, spotless and without blemish. PURITY: Freeing yourself from anything that contaminates or adulterates. PURPOSEFUL: Exercising determination to stay on track until the goal is achieved. REASONABLENESS: Having a sound mind by being level headed, sane and demonstrating common sense. RENEWAL: Restoration of strength through recovery and replenishment. RESOURCEFULNESS: Using wisely that which others would normally overlook or discard. RESTORATION: Getting a fresh start, or new beginning. RESPECT: Honoring and esteeming another person due to deep admiration. RESPONSIBILITY: Knowing and doing what is expected from me. REVERENCE: Giving honor where it is due and respecting the possessions and property of others. RIGHTEOUSNESS: Acting in a moral and upright way that honors God, regardless of who is watching. SECURITY: Structuring my life around what is eternal and cannot be destroyed or taken away. SELF-CONTROL: Bringing my thoughts, words, actions and attitudes into constant obedience in order to benefit others. SENSITIVITY: Being aware and attentive to the true attitudes and emotional needs of those around me. SERVANTHOOD: Caring for and meeting the needs of others before caring for myself. SINCERITY: Endeavoring to do what is right, without ulterior motives. STEWARDSHIP: Administering and managing personal and financial affairs effectively. STRENGTH: Having power, force and vigor for the task assigned. SURRENDER: Yielding to the authority, guidance and direction of God in my life. TEACHABILITY: Demonstrating a willingness to learn or be trained without any reservations or hindrances. THANKFULNESS: Expressing deep gratitude and appreciation to people and to God. THOROUGHNESS: Executing something perfectly with the realization that each of my tasks will be reviewed. THOUGHTFULNESS: Showing consideration for others through acts of kindness and/or words. THRIFTINESS: Preventing myself or others from spending money unnecessarily. TOLERANCE: Learning to accept others as valuable individuals regardless of their maturity. TRANSPARENCY: Allowing others to shine a light on my life for the purpose of being accountable. TRUTHFULNESS: Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts. TRUST or TRUSTWORTHY: Believing completely and totally in someone or something. UNDERSTANDING: Exhibiting strong intelligence and a sound mind in comprehending and discerning matters. UNSTOPPABLE: The freedom to perform at your highest level without any restraints. VIRTUE: Building personal moral standards which will cause others to desire a greater moral life. VISIONARY: Dreaming not inhibited by the unknown. Looking beyond problems by creating successful solutions. VULNERABILITY: Being open to receive constructive criticism and guidance. WISDOM: Learning to see and respond correctly to life situations with keen judgment; the application of knowledge. WORSHIP: Honoring God reverently.