stress

I am having mixed emotions again. Maybe its just my hormones, but one moment i want to be with people but then i dont. i want to work but then i don't.lol The one thing i do know is that i am excited for bryan to come home. i really really miss him and it has only been a month! i guess i am just feeling like i can't do things on my own. i guess i am just really needy right now. i am so paranoid abut this pregnancy that i don't know what to think! and i have all these little birdies telling me wht they feel and what they went through when it just overwhelms me. I feel like i am stressing out about other people's lives too. i can't stand the fact that my inlaws are getting money from us when i others are telling me they have given them option to help get out of debt but they refuse or come up with excuses. I don't even think both of them have a clear communication about wht is really going on. i'm trying not to stress or think about it but i just can't help it because i do feel like Bryan is getting taken advantage of but what do i know i am just the nagging wife. i am getting nervous about moving because we are going to loose a lot of money and i don't feel secure financially like i did before, and that is probably my stupidity cause i quit working.

hello

Well i haven't written in a while. I tend to spend most my time seeing if anyone else has emailed me or written me, but i don't ever take the time to write them.lol how self centered is that.lol i feel a little lonely right now. I miss Bryan so much, but i think it helps that my last class is over with so i am not as stressed. i wish i knew how to not stress over small things. I just don't want to be involved with anything right now. not even in church. I worry about my baby. I hope it is still healthy. I feel like i haven't been eating well, and it is taking a toll on the little one. i can't keep my house clean, it just smells aweful and i feel like getting rid of everything and start over, is that crazy or what! I will get out of this slump. just don't know where to start.

life

I decided no matter what i will always be an outsider with Bryan's side of the family, but i am ok with it because i have Bryan. I was reading a book and it said no matter what you will never fit in with people, which i feel like is true, not with just family but the people in the world. We all have to be ourselves. I was a little hurt because my own mother in law was spreading rumors about me, but you know what, my true friends know me. I guess our life isn't fun enough so she has to spice it up. At first i was worried about what she was saying, but i know what i am doing, i know what Bryan is doing and god knows. I almost feel sorry for her. ALMOST.LOL I need to eliminate all negativity in my life right now because i have a little one growing inside me:) I need to stay in tune with my little one because i want it to grow up as positive as possible like it's Daddy. I decided i want to be a big Domestic wife.lol I mean like canning, home making, gardening, just like women use to be.

Today i made my first Meat loaf! It is in the oven right now, i can't wait to taste it.

This Man!!!

I was just sitting here cuddling with my dog, watching my husband sleep. ( we have this tradition where we go to bed together online with webcams.lol). and i was just watching him just thinking how much i love him!! And you know what makes us work, i accept him for him. Don't get me wrong, i still don't agree with some choices but you can't look at him for that! If you could just feel his touch and see his eyes how much he cares for everyone! you would absolutley want to still him away! But i won't let you! hehe i was thinking about all the things that i have judged him for in the past but you know what! what about all the good things he does, this man is different and has more positives than negatives. I love how he always reminds me that its me and him. Exspecially when i get on these kicks that the world is always about me.lol and i worry when someone doesn't respond. I get crazy like that.lol I haven't given him much credit! but i am absolutely in love with this man!! i can't believe how amazing and wonderful he is and i can't help to think about having his children. He deserves the best in life and i hope that i can give him the best.

BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!

BORED BORED BORED! I forgot how boring your life can get. I quit my job to have more time with my husband, but now that i am not busy, he is always busy! go figure huh! On top of that! i am finished with classes.lol I know it is ok to be bored every now and then, its actually healthy for you. but this feels ridiculous! I guess i have things to do...its just doing them.

1. Their expectations weren't met
If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you're having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they're not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.
The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.
We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.
The problem here is that they met each other's expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.
Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.
And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.
This is usually the moment when the person "falls out of love".

2. Was it really Love?
Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they're in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.
This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.
Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn't always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and "fall out of love".
Of course, it wasn't love in the first place, that's why the whole thing appears out of the blue.
3. Mistreatment
Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.
Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.
The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren't provided any more. The relationship isn't fulfilling and healthy.
Knowing Why is Helpful
The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

No one can take it away from me.

So i feel like i am on the top of the world, and nothing at the moment can ruin my happiness and the smile i feel in my heart.

Let me tell you when it began.

I was at work last week and it just felt like there was a lot of tention for no reason. You literly could just feel it! Everyone just wanted to quit! It was just frustrating. So i decided for my own welbeing, that i needed to do something. Even if it was little. The weather has been nice and i felt that we needed flowers.lol

I bought everyone a sunflower, Number one they are beautiful, but number two the sunflower is very symbolic in many ways.

My friend Ricky is always telling me to be me. Not to worry about trying to fit in. I think that is where some of the tention was in my own heart was because i wanted to fit in. I hate not having anyone to talk to or hang out with. I decided you know what! i dont need to fit in! I am going to do what i want anyways! ( yes i took ricky's advice). So anyways, i decided to be me and get these flowers. it was the best feeling for myself! I haven't done service for anyone in a very long time! I am telling you, I haven't seen so many smiles in a long time. I found a quote that said if you feel like giving up, try and remember why you started there in the first place. or something to that affect. It was perfect. It definatly lifted spirits. Being myself was perfect for that moment and since then I have been happy. that was on Thursday, Friday i was invited by haley to go out. Saturday, Maralee and Andrea invited me on a day trip to Rothenberg! It is sooo beautiful and it was great to hang out with people that i had something in common with. Maralee made me think more about traveling, more motivation to do what i want to do in life. She is 25 and has done a few humanitarian trips. Why not! i would love to do that! That trip was just perfect and beautiful. It reminded me of why i love my life so much. Then later that night i was invited to my Friend Sabrina's house for a party! I was the center of attention.lol it was great, i don't feel like i have one of those moments in a long time. Then on Sunday! Once again i had this wonderful wonderful energy in me. I am fulfilling my calling in the church! it is little work but i don't think i could handle anymore. Then later that day i went on a picnic with Andrea and Maralee. It felt like we have known eachother forever. We walked up to engineer lake and stayed three hours just sitting and talking. It was absolutely amazingly beautiful. I also met new people. That made me feel good, because that means when Bryan come's home we have people to hang out with.lol

I just know that because i am on a high now, something is going to try and pull my spirit down, but i am not going to let it. There is a positive to everything, and i know how to deal with it. I am in charge of my happiness i can let it be a lot of happiness or a little bit. and no one can take that away from me. No one.

Anyways,

I wonder what people really think of me? I change so often trying to figure out who I am, that i think people look at me for my mistakes and not my progress.
I use to be so mean and bitter towards family, and i mean really mean, because i was being told things that hurt me and i didn't understand why family was saying those things, and on top of that, i didn't even know if they were really saying them. But what am i suppose to believe when i trusted this person soo much. So i Bit back and it only hurt me in the long run. I felt left out and jealous because of it. I felt like they were secretly talking about me and my flaws. I was very paranoid.
Today, I am closer to my mother in law, I still feel like we could be closer but it takes time. She is a wonderful person and mother. She is working with Highschool students and is great at it! She has a wonderful family that absolutley jumps up to help as much as they can. Even if it is just a phone call. I don't know her history or what she has been through, but i know her now and today. She really tries to keep her family close and i think she has finally succeeded. She was always sweet to me when Bryan and I were dating. She has carried a lot on her plate for years and she has become a stronger person because of it.
Today i am closer to my sister in law, She has been a great example to me. I love how she is with her family that has grown so much. She has a lot of strength too and i know that she is grateful for everything she has. She really has learned alot and is very intelligent. She inspires me to stand strong in our faith. I had a lot of fun with her when i went to visit and i miss her a lot.
I use to be back and forth with who i am, I have done a few things to impress people, to try and fit in with them. Don't worry i didn't Drink, smoke, or sexual things.lol but i did feel like i was living a double standard life. i felt like i had to it in with people. but yuou know what,
Today i feel like i don't have to try and fit in with people, but people should have to try and fit in with me. ( which isn't hard). I feel like i am happy with myself and everything i have accomplished. I have many more accomplishments to come! Life is really amazing and you can live it to the fullest without a double standard life. I really do know how to deal with trials easly but i just have to stick to it. With a positive outlook you can defeat anything.
I use to be a people pleaser. have to please everyone and thats just as bad.
today, I stand up for myself. I've grown up. I've realized i can't do everything but i can do something. I realized just being what i want to be and doing things on my own balanced time, i end up helping people without knowing it. Being you helps more people than you know.

The G:Y:M

Oh my goodness i can't believe how good i feel. I haven't felt good since the day my husband left back for Iraq. I've just been ok, and wondering if i can get back into my alone life.lol Its been great because i started work again, and it is such a challenge but one of the best challenges i have been through yet. I know that i am still going to have ups and downs but this is just awesome right now. I have so many ideas to help out my kindergarten children to help them grow instead of acting like babies. At work we are required to have a club, and i chose to do a science club. Who knew i would pick science. i don't know too much but its going to be great to expirement along with the children and open their minds some. I want it to be the best and i know they will enjoy it because we already talked about volcanoes and made one out of play dough. My children are going nuts and as stressful as it is, its been awesome becaude i feel like they are helping me grow as a person too. I do have many techniques i need to learn because it is not as regulated here at sas as it is at the CDC. On top of this, I absolutley love my husband. I can't express how much i love him right now and how much fun i have and will have. I can't wait to get back to that side of life. He is a great great positive influence to me and i need to treat him better. I wish he knew how much he makes me smile just thinking about him. He might not know this but thinking about him just tickles me to death with how much i miss him and how positive he is. He makes me smile more than he thinks.lol
I just got back from the gym.lol and i feel sexier than ever. i am ready to go on with my life.lol and thats that.lol goodbye

Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . a youth she's content to leave behind.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. one friend who always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a feeling of control over her destiny.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. . whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. or a charming Inn in the woods.... when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. What she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year... AND REMEMBER: GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS. YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM, BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!!! Be yourself...everyone else is already taken.