so today i had a tough day with my daughter. She is teething so you can imagine. but it wasn't as bad as yesterday and the day before. today she woke up around 6am and wouldn't take a nap until 12pm. so it ws a long morning. I really love my little girl. She is now 8 months and she is the strongest 8 month i have seen. she is already climbing up on things and she absolutely loves me. I can tell. i absolutely love her smile and her giggles.lol they make my day. she alway wants to be with me and climbs on me alot! to think its only the beginning.lol

We finally went to church this sunday....i thought i was going to feel awkward and like i didn't fit in cause of a few things, but i felt at home! how suprised was I?? it def lit my fire again. Made me forget everything that was going wrong with my life. it made it feel even more like home because my husband was with me and he just turned me on by how he interacted with people at church. idk....i guess that is who we really are and can't fight it. at least for me anyways, i've tried to live on both sides of the fence cause i had a side of me that wanted out. i would never let it out before cause you are always taught that its wrong. i haven't drank or smoked. but its wearing sexy ass clothes and going clubbing!!!! it just makes me feel good! but i am fighting that temptation.

I've been a little stressed because i felt like my husband didn't really care that i was in the home with him. he would come home and get straight onto COD BLOPS. alwasy with his brothers or friends....i was frustrated because i was lonely without being alone. all i had was facebook and texting to my sisters but that wasn't the attention i wanted. i wanted my husband.
i would try and watch him play his games, but i also ask a lot of questions as well and i know it irritates him. but how else am i suppose to be involved. i also get overwhelmed with his swearing. I love the man to death but his swearing really upsets me even when i try to ignore it. My dad was the same way though......
we use to go to bed together but for a while there we weren't. he would stay up til 2am playing this game. then he wouldn't even kiss me or say goodnight. he would just get into bed.

BUT the past two nights have been perfect or at least something that made me happy. :) he took the time and watched Veronica Mars with me. he went almost a week without getting on that game. I let him tonight because he has to have his time too! and i really appreciated the two nigts that i did get....
it has made me happy so tonight i had dressed up sexy and was going to make it his night, it still is his night but not the way i planned.

i think our relationship is healing......slowely but surely......i really love him and just keep reminding myself that we are going through MAJOR CHANGES both of us, and it will simmer into one big pot of delicious soup!

It's fun being broke...

It is really fun being broke, trying to have self discipline when it comes to wants and needs. i haven't felt this challenge in a very long time. i have more than ever. i don't need anything.

use to....

I use too have the world in my hands
I use to have people always needing me
i use to be so confident
i use to love being me
I use to know what i wanted in life
I use to know how to handle things
I use to be wanted by people
I use to have fun
I use to be spiritual
I use to make people laugh
I use to not be so serious
I use to be special in at least one person's eyes
I use to be an example
I use to be strong
I use to be selfless
I use to be what other's needed
I use to be the one giving advice to others not recieving it
i use to know what i wanted in life.
i use to think i knew who i was......

I dont feel special.....how can i help myself feel important again

Broken heart today......

JJJJus

Just sitting here watching my sweetheart play starcraft wishing it was light out so I can fix my yard. Doing yard work alone is so peaceful and it actually makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. Its nice to know that I can make something beautiful after dealing with so many negative thoughts. Its nice being away without actually being away. I just want to talk yet I have nothing to talk about. I wish I had some uplifting quotes or books to read. I feel like going for a run. I just want to jump on my bed and laugh. Out loud for no reason. Ha this is such a strange blog.lol. I'm a dreamer not a doer.

perfect spirit returned to heaven today

people have such great faith in our lord. Sometimes i wonder if i have that much faith, but then again i don't want to go through what they did to find out. you always think you have it hard until someone else comes a long to put you back in your place.

Today, my husbands aunt announced the death of her sons child. The mother was in labor for three days with a nine pound baby boy. this is what the mother had to say:

Whitney Butler Hawkins: Today our sweet baby boy, Maximus Kyle Hawkins was delivered after 3 days of laboring and finally came after an emergency c-section. 9 lbs 10 oz, 20 inches long. Our precious Max was too perfect for this world and returned to his Heavenly Father. We love and miss him dearly but know he is in a better place watching over us as our angel. We love you, Maximus! You will be in our hearts always...

As i am reading this my child, my little girl is laying next to me asleep. i am trying not to cry but when you have such a wonderful child that you get a little overwhelmed wih because you have no idea what you are doing and she is fighting you to sleep because all she wants to do is be like mommy and stay awake, then all of a sudden you read about another mother who didn't get this chance with her child. this mother may be in pain who wouldn't be, but i have to tell her thank you for such great faith because her pain opened my heart even more. I pray that her family can find more peace during this hard time. i can only sympathize and it won't be later until they understand the picture being painted before them. from the sounds of it they already see some, but not all. i really hope they can find peace and comfort during this hard time. i really can't imagine loosing my child, and i pray and hope that i won't have to find out.

The Divinity of Womanhood

The Divinity of Womanhood

"I wonder if you sisters fully understand the greatness of your gifts and talents and how all of you can achieve the 'highest place of honor' in the Church and in the world. One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.

"One of your particular gifts is your feminine intuition. Do not limit yourselves. As you seek to know the will of our Heavenly Father in your life and become more spiritual, you will be far more attractive, even irresistible. You can use your smiling loveliness to bless those you love and all you meet, and spread great joy. Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can, through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others."

James E. Faust, "Womanhood: The Highest Place of Honor," Ensign, May 2000, 96

Topics: Womanhood

well we finally made it to the good OLE USA...i haven't figured out if i like it ornot. we haven't even been here a month and family have been adding to my stress. it's only been two weeks. i am so tempted to not get a phone just so i don't have to hear anyone's voices. i have a select few that i want to keep in touch with, but as far as family they really stress me out. I don't know why i have such a problem with them. Bryan's grandma kept trying to get me to talk crap about each person in his family, but she doesn't see that they are trying and have improved sooo much!! We finally found a house, that is one positive, another positive is my little girl, she is just so dang cute! i feel a little bad, because she seems to be feeling bad and i can't do anything about it. WEll in a few day i can! i am going to take her to a pediatrition. i can't wait til we can move into our new home, it doesn't look that great on the outside but that is one thing i am excited about. because i can make it look beautiful.

What am i suppose to do?

Just when you think things are okay...You get thrown a curve ball. Do you try and swing taking your chances or do you let it fly by?

I hate being put in tough positions...my curve ball is do i let Bryan deploy or throw a tantrum. I have tried to numb myself tried to be positive, but this choice is making me sick to my stomach. I am upset about this choice. i thought i would be okay with it but i'm not. but what do you do when it's your husbands life? how do you find a balance with this one? it is his life but my life and his daughters life....
where is the balance? This one definetaly calls for trust in our lord and have faith that things will go according to his plan. not mine.... I am not happy with this dilema but i will be supportive.
I want to go back home if he does deploy. My problem is if i go back home i can't cry when i want to but at the same time i can't be alone again. I've used up all my strength.
I feel like i have to sacrifice even more now because my family needs me and my husbands family needs him but i have to take his place until he comes home. i feel like i can't handle dealing with other peoples situations right now. i'm fighting my own personal battle. but the same time i have to do it for my daughter and the rest of the family. my daughter deserves to know some of her family. ugh! sick to my stomach.......

Very Concerned

Well today the 370th got their deployment orders to Afghanistan. At first i felt very who cares it has nothing to do with me because i am leaving. I was more concerned about what was going on in my own little life when my issue isn't even important. my issue is an issue because i'm impatient.
My concern now is the wives of 370th. I recently reached out to a few of the wives to help them feel a little secure with the FRG. to have some faith and trust with the FRG and now the dirt is not swept under the carpet anymore. The deployment is official and just made things more real.
i finally reached out and now i have to leave. I know these women are adults but i am concerned.....I can't be here to comfort but have to rely on phone calls and emails.

Pet Peeve..

guess what it is.lol

So we were asked to write letters to Floyds attorney saying what we saw different in him.

My mother in law posted what she wrote on the family site and is going to pull the poor me my sons went to iraq!

So what is wrong with this statement?? she used the words SONS and IRAQ in the same sentance. Bryan is the only one who went to Iraq!! that bothers the crap out of me! first off His older brother didn't make it into the the military cause he quit before signing anything, His other brother got kicked out of the military and was with a nondeployable unit.lol She said this to get points for disability! ugh! so disgusted with it!
Oh well i guess Karma will not like her trying to take advantage of America. Karma is already getting them for how they behaved and treated people before and now they can't hack it! but who knows what they have done to change. Everyone deserves happiness and i hope they eventually find a different way of finding it.

Favorite Scriptures

“The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

" Therefore cheer up your hearts and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves-to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life." (2 nephi 10:23)

I think i've got it!

I think i have got the hang of being a mother. It is not as exhausting as some people say it is. Maybe i was more prepared than i thought i was.
Yes i did have a few hard times but it wasn't because of having a baby. The baby actually made things better for me. I have someone who needs me to hold them and give love. Someone who observes everything i do with in her eyesight. I love how she tries to mimic my words with her mouth.lol She doesn't make to many sounds but she is getting there. She does watch my mouth and tries to move her mouth like me. It's amazing how such an amazing gift was given to me.
I guess the best part is i have someone to hold and cuddle.
lastnight i was giving her a bath and talking with her (she loves the water! i love it!! she is just sooo cute! it makes you laugh and smile), but Her daddy came in and i told him to hoo at her. so he did. She ACTUALLY responded back to him. she did little whoo's back it was the cutest response ever! THAT IS a moment i won't forget!
She won't go to sleep unless you are with her.lol and when you are with her you have to close your eyes too. She spies on you.lol it is sooo cute and funny. She stays awake just enough to make sure you don't put her down. You learn to read her though. My little Ellie! MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW. MY LITTLE ELLA LALLAINE EVANS

Outside

Today was a whole lot better because the SUN was out!! i got my Vitamin D dose that i needed very desperetly. Ellie and I spent almost all day out in the sun! i can't wait til i get to the states and have my own yard. i could just spend hours outside reading my scriptures or something uplifting while sitting on a blanket. I use to do it all the time as a teenager. This time i will have my own little girl to go outside with and play. I just want to be outside all the time with someone that i don't have to talk with but we can just sit there and enjoy life.
I miss being in my teenage years. i feel like that was when i felt like i knew who i was and what i wanted in life. It didn't bother me what people thought about me accept for my parents. Back then i knew who i was.lol i felt more confident in my choices and didn't feel challenged cause i had my feet where i wanted them. So what happened?? Why did i become so needy of people's opinions of myself? why did I all of a sudden feel like i need to be accepted by everyone? No confidence anymore.... Maybe one day i will know who i am again. Things change as you grow and go through different stages of life. I don't feel like i am that interesting anymore or maybe it's because i don't have anything in common with anyone like i did growing up. I don't know.I guess i am just bored with life right now..i'm stuck in LIMBO cause once again we have to wait for the military to choose our next journey. well get us started at least.

Inner Peace

Inner Peace: This is so true



If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs

Well...i guess i have alot of work to get inner peace.lol

Today

Today is a decent day. I am just sitting at home doing a lot of thinking about everything i want to do in my life. So far i have accomplished a lot for myself but now i have a little one that gets to join me in the adventures god throws at me. I think Bryan and I are more in love than we ever have been. I absolutely love how he interacts with his daughter. I am glad he isn't deploying. At first, i wanted him to deploy because it would make him happy cause that is a piece of who he is, but greatful that we get a chance to be a family.
I think all of this has made us stronger as a family spiritually. No we don't attend church regularly, no we don't go do temple sessions, no we don't do a lot of what the typical mormon family is suppose to be doing but i have noticed that we have more love for each other as friends and spouses than i see in a lot of people and that to me makes it a perfect relationship. I am not saying that has anything to do with religion but it does have it's place in our happiness. I am glad i have something positive to look at when there is so much crap going on around me.

Lies lies lies....

I just think how funny it is that everyone around my mother in law is telling lies about her according to her.lol

Is that honestly possible?? I mean me personally, there has to be at least one honest person out of the bunch that is "telling lies"

According to our family history, everyone has lied about her except for Bryan and Laura. Well Bryan never talks and pays for her food, house, etc so why would she bite his hand, and laura is her only daughter.lol and you don't want to fight with laura because laura stands her ground and bites twice as hard ( in a good way).

I hate having mixed emotions about my mother in law cause she is Bryans mother. There are days where i think geez i should show her more respect and other days i'm just thinking who is she i don't get her?? Too many mixed stories from her. then when confronted she doesn't know what anyone is talking about.lol Maybe she just needs more mental help than what she is gettting.

all in all i am just so greatful for Bryan and i miss him soo much!! i can't imagine being without him. i feel like i still have such a school girl crush on him!!

DEPRESSION

depressed depressed depressed!!!!!
I've been depressed before but not to this extent.....
I have nothing to be depressed about......
great friends, great husband, great daughter, great life.....
So why am i so depressed??
it's got to be the weather! you can't do anything in this weather. or maybe the fact that i have so many people around me yet, there is no one....everyone has their own problems so why should they entertain me?
I think i need a garden, a home, a yard, someone......
I can't talk to my husband because he has his own things going on and like i said before, i don't know why i feel this way.
Maybe i should go excersise.

unattractive

I feel so unattractive right now.....
Maybe i just need to give it some time cause i did just have a baby a week ago.....
i just feel like bryan feels different about me physically, but i could just be paranoid....

B.M.E

Do you know what my husband has done for me this weekend!!

He is more than you will ever know!! i can't express how much i love him. This weekend i was in extraordinary pain. i couldn't sleep and it put me in tears. Now my husband already has a stressful job and i really felt so bad about taking away his weekend. But he shows me soooo much love already but this weekend the way he took care of me was extremely a perfect love that i don't want to forget. That is why i am blogging it. :)
at 3 in the morning i couldn't sleep cause when i would lay down, the pain in my left face would just kill me i almost made him take me to the klinkum because of it. Anyways, i was exhausted and he got up ready to take me. then he did the most romantic thing ever!! He sat on the bed sitting up and told me to come sit in his arms. He held me and rocked me to sleep sitting up in the bed. I don't ever want toloose that image. He gave me sleep. i can't believe how much of a healer he is. Then on top of that, he let me sleep the next day when i didn't have time because i was throwing a party that night!! i am too prideful to cancel anything cause all of us have been looking forward to it for weeks!!! anyways, he cleaned my house, he made food, he just spoiled the crap out of me!! and i don't know how to return the favor to him!!! On top of that!! he didn't go out drinking like i expected!!! i mean he had a couple of beers but they said it was too boring!!! so they went over to my friend sabrina's house and played Wii until my party was done. That party was soo fun! i was nervous cause i was hurting and the people i invited were from work and FRG.lol what a combo.
I don't know, even with all the pain...I still couldn't stress over things because i have the perfect man helping me through...I love you B.M.E

another ARGH moment

I have two things i want to talk about...
Did you ever have one of those dreams that you just flipped out in and it causes you to wake up pissy and makes you want to push people away....

also, i am soo overwhelmed right now!!! So this is what is bothering me, My Grandma Rushton....I am trying to see this in a positive perspective but no matter what, i just get this bad feeling about her.....So I have been trying to have a better relationship with my MOm's mom by emailing her or leaving little comments on facebook (why is facebook always involved with my drama.lol). She has not responded to any of them so i came to terms with it. Things are what they are right! Well now she found out my mom is coming to germany to visit me and the baby, and all of a sudden my grandma Rushton wants to come??? I think and feel that she is trying to take this special moment away from my mom. To be honest i don't really want to see my grandma Rushton unless we go down to Arizona. There is just something about her that is off, but she isn't the first person to give me that feeling.
I feel the same thing about Bryan's Aunt Sherri. She is fortunate enough to travel, but i feel like she is going to rub into Bryan's Mom's face and i know i have my issues about Chris, but Chris is who she is and she gave me Bryan. Chris is going through a lot right now and i don't know what is true and what isn't but still this is Chris;s Grandbaby and i want my parents and Bryans family to be the first to see Ellie. I don't know i am probably just being pestamistic because of hormones and the stupid dream that i had.lol
I just want to sleep all day........

Sick of People!!!

people really really really bother me!!!!!

Maybe it is just my hormones! but it bothers me that i worry about people and think they need caring for!
When reality...people don't care if you care!
So Yesterday my neighbor FINALLY left!! she pissed me off soooooo freakin bad!! i did soooo much for her, i've known her for 4 years and she would only call if she needed something and i would always drop what i was doing and help her out! YOu know what she didn't do for me! which sounds sooo freakin stupid, but she didn't buy me a baby gift. I spent money on her kids birthdays, her friends kids birthdays, i babysat when her and her husband were argueing, i took her grocery shopping every week, took her to the dental clinic off post which wasn't close just for her kid so she wouldn't get him taken away from her! took care of her garbage! and on top of that!! i helped her friends out when she asked!! I tried to be christian and tell myself its okay cause she is going through a lot of crap right now, she is getting a divorce, but that didn't suprise me cause she is a bitch to him!! She is just trashy! she was complaining to me about how he was cheating on her while he was down range, but she also probably doesn't remember telling me about how before he left, that she never wanted to have sex with him or be with him, so why wouldn't he want to be with someone that cares about him. And aparently she hasn't been inoccent either!! she mentioned she had a guy waiting for her when she gets back to the states so what is she complaining about!!! her Husband came back needing some mental help and she said she would stay with him if he got help, but not once did she say she would go with him or support him. It was all on him!! That is a doom sign to me!! i would never let Bryan go through that alone, its not humane! No matter how big of a jerk he was!!! And everything is his fault!!! its all her husbands fault!!! You could tell with her that she wanted out from the beginning they got here to germany!! Anyways, you want to know what her last words were to me before she left...Nothing! Not even thank you for helping me. Her last words were written on a napkin with a bunch of crap saying "Marie please give these to Tia" Well, at least she said please....Not even a knock on the door to let me say goodbye to the kids. oh well, she is going to make it far!!
Do you want to hear something else that bothers the crap out of me!!!
I do a lot for Bryan's side of the family!! I get jealous of my own husband because if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't call his family as much as he does!! So last night i told Bryan we should call to check on his mom, did he do it? no, i did!! and who does she respond too.....Bryan.lol If it wasn't for me, No one on his side would get birthday cards, presents, hellos or what not!!! and everyone thinks Bryan does it on his own!!!!!!!lol isn't that just soooooo silly that i feel that way! jealous of my own husbands relationship with his family!! i don't even do those things for my own side!! i mean yeah i call but i don't even get a phone call from my own mom!! why do i concintrate soooo much on his side, when i don't really matter to them. I'm just another person in the family. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but it would be nice for a little recognition. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no more i guess!!!!!!! '

i am sick of people!!!!!